Why teaching social skills to our autistic children is a huge no-no

OK, I know that in years gone by it was incredibly common for therapists to teach neurotypical social skills to autistic clients, but when you know better you can do better, right?

In the last decade, research and opinions surrounding the appropriateness of teaching social skills to autistic clients has come full circle. No more than a decade or so ago it was considered perfectly suitable to identify goals such as maintaining conversations and using appropriate eye contact for our autistic clients.

As much as I hate to say it, over the course of my career not only have I inherited these goals from other therapists, but I have also written similar ones myself.

So what’s the big deal?

By teaching social skills to autistic clients, we are essentially teaching them to hide their authentic selves for the comfort of others. This act of masking is often used by autistic people to blend in, to be accepted, or simply to avoid discrimination.

Masking is the regulation or modification of social behaviours to reduce the appearance of autistic characteristics. That is, “portraying a non-autistic persona”. Masking can include changing facial expressions, tone of voice, eye contact or use of gestures to hide one’s autistic identity.

Current research suggests that intentional autistic masking often begins as early as 10 years of age, though I’d suggest it is likely much earlier for many individuals. Whilst we all need to adjust our behaviours at times, for example when attending a job interview, autistic masking can become all-consuming, occupying a person’s every waking moment.

Picture this

You have a job interview later today. You’ve chosen the perfect outfit, rehearsed your answers and even practised them in the mirror. When you arrive, you stand uncomfortably waiting to be seen and greet the interviewer in the exact way you had practiced. During the interview, you subtly cross your feet and clasp your hands together so you don’t give away your nervousness. Your heart is pounding as you attempt to answer each question exactly how you perceive they will want you to. You leave feeling exhausted, stressed, sick to your stomach.

Now imagine acting in a certain way all day, every day- whether to fit in, or just to be offered the same opportunities as everyone else. It is no wonder that the mental health costs associated with autistic masking are so devastating. Research indicates that an increased use of masking autistic traits leads to higher levels of anxiety and depression, suicidal ideation, and difficulties functioning in everyday life.

Over a lifetime, studies suggest that masking also leads to less authentic relationships, ultimately resulting in relationships marked with reduced closeness. The mental health effects of masking occur across the spectrum, regardless of whether the autistic traits were classified as mild or severe. Essentially, no one is immune to these damaging effects.

So what can we do differently?

Listen to the experiences and opinions of autistic people.

The first step in designing and implementing any neurodiversity-affirming supports for autistic clients is simple. The answer? Ask the people to whom the supports apply (i.e. autistic people). It sounds obvious, but seriously, why are we not doing more of this? This could be as simple as asking your child what they need to feel better after a long day at school, supporting them to identify how and when to use regulation activities, or what they need to be able to advocate for themselves.

Consider the goal of intervention

Ever heard of the double empathy problem? It is the idea that neurodiverse and neurotypical individuals struggle to understand each other – not because of any particular social deficits, but because these groups of people actually understand, process and interpret their experiences of the world in totally different ways. When we consider this, it is not surprising that autistic and neurotypical individuals can struggle to relate to one another at times.

Considering what you now know about the double empathy problem, is posits that teaching neurotypical social skills to autistic individuals is likely entirely unhelpful (and as we know, harmful). Instead we can focus on supporting our autistic loved ones in finding their tribe, a community of individuals who appreciate their authentic selves, and encouraging them to feel comfortable being themselves.

Move away from deficit-based language

By moving away from the deficit-based language related to autism, we can begin to see that the social interaction between neurotypical and neurodiverse individuals is the problem, rather than viewing the individuals themselves as the problem. This change in perception moves the burden from the person to society, acknowledging that we all have a role in fostering acceptance and inclusion.

Build a neurodiversity affirming team

Surrounding your autistic child or loved one with a neurodiversity-affirming healthcare and education team is a huge no brainer! Check out my top tips for identifying a neurodiversity-affirming therapist or educator for your child.

1. They focus on your child as an individual
2. They use a strengths-based approach, rather than only discussing their areas of weakness
3. They are inclusive in all their interactions
4. They want to understand your child’s individual goals and motivators, as well as those of the family
5. They offer a sensory-friendly environment, and are willing to make adjustments to accommodate your child within their setting
6. They refer to the opinions of, and research completed by, neurodivergent individuals
7. They do not encourage compliance and do not impose neurotypical social norms on the autistic individual

Neurodiversity isn’t a new idea – in fact, every brain is uniquely wired, and it’s these differences that make our world colourful, innovative and full of possibility. ‘Neurotypical’ simply means typical – not better, not more capable, just more common. True diversity brings creativity, fresh perspectives and transformative ideas to our communities.

As parents, educators and professionals, it’s important to pause and reflect: Are we encouraging authentic development, or are we unintentionally promoting ‘typical’ behaviours as the only way forward? Next time you find yourself steering a child toward what’s considered ‘typical’, take a moment to ask: Am I nurturing who they are, or who the world expects them to be?